This is a pre-accident post that was originally posted on my AUDHD Facebook page on 27th February 2023:
I got turned down for a part time job this morning, which actually came as a rather big relief.
The past 2 weeks have been really hard and I’ve had a lot going on. I’ll try to explain:
I had been toying with the idea of getting a part time job alongside my small business (which doesn’t pay the bills) since before Christmas. Not just because of my financial situation which, whilst it isn’t completely dire, it is a real struggle (especially when you add in my tendency to overspend on things that I “need” to get that dopamine hit (I’ll share more on that another time) but also because I was feeling like “me” was being washed away with school meetings, phone calls, doctors appointments, counselling appointments, housework, just the general life and mum stuff. I really felt a need to have another purpose, to feel valued, to feel worth something.
Then a few weeks ago, I saw a Facebook post about a part time job which seemed perfect for me. 2 days per week or the flexible equivalent, nearby. I had a phone call with them which went pretty well and then an in person interview about a week later.
However, in the meantime, I found out that a friend of mine was very ill with cancer (end of life) and so I was visiting her as much as I could during that 2 week period which was really hard and then it was half term (my interview was actually DURING half term) and then a few days after my interview, I found out that she passed away.
This resulted in a week of feeling really exhausted, feeling like I was coming down with something, having no motivation etc. I could have been focussing on my business but I got barely anything done. On one of the days, I felt so ill I barely moved off the sofa. On another day, I felt better physically but I feel really really low – like nothing mattered, nothing was worth doing…. I didn’t even get any joy in my usual comfort foods.
As the time went on after my interview, I found myself hoping that I wouldn’t get the job. I felt like: “If I can’t even do a simple task like load the dishwasher right now, how am I going to go into an office and do a job with all the pressure that comes with it”. I was also worried that I would no longer have the drive or energy to continue to run my business – I’m not very good at focusing on more than one thing at once.
It took them longer to get back to me than they originally said and the more time went on, the more I felt like I didn’t want the job, wasn’t ready for it, wouldn’t cope…. Then this morning I found out I didn’t get it anyway, so at least the decision is taken out of my hands.
So I’ve decided to take the rest of this week to recover from my burnout and then I’m going back to the drawing board for my business. Try to find some new purpose and boost my sales! But I need to feel better first.
By the way, I apologise for my rather bad drawings. Just I want to post photos as I understand posts with pictures get seen more and I don’t want to steal anyone’s content so I’m doing little scribbles when I can. Let me know if you like them.