This is a post-accident post that was written in a note on my phone during the early hours of the morning the day after the accident happened and then later posted on my AUDHD Facebook page (this was before the I Do Believe in Eleanor page was set up:
3am
The worst happened today.
Someone banged on my door to tell me that my child had been hit by a car.
I won’t go into details but it was a blur of ambulances, calling her dad and step mum to come, people working around her on the road, finally a helicopter for her to hospital and a police car ride for me. Her dad drove. We got there first. Not sure why that matters.
Then waiting. Lots of waiting.
I don’t know how to explain what I was feeling – mostly numb. Bouts of emotion – despair, disbelief, guilt (should I… what if…), some tears but only briefly as numbness came back swiftly. Numb is better, as one of the policemen said to me.
My thoughts have been equally as random. At one point I adjusted the settings on my Do Not Disturb focus to remove app notifications that are really not important right now and add ppl who might need to contact me but block everyone and every other app out. At another point I decided to go through my Scheduled app (where I input every single thing I have to do like routines for getting the kids to school) and delete everything for the next few days that I wouldn’t need to do. I’d already turned off notifications on this app so going through the schedule wasn’t really necessary but it calmed me to do it.
I’ve found myself rocking back and forth a fair amount. Or sitting staring into the distance zoning out or completely dissociating. And other times needing to pace.
We saw her in the Special Care Unit a few moments ago and it was like my heart tore in two literally. But I don’t think I displayed any outward sign. So many machines. So many tubes.
Her dad has gone to try to get some sleep. I am outside in the cold vaping. The cold is comforting somehow. And the vaping gives my hands something to do. My nose is starting to run.
I haven’t eaten since around 2pm when I had some crumpets (this happened at 6pm ish and it’s now 3.15am) and before that I had porridge at around 7am.
I want my own bed, my electric blanket on the sofa, but at the same time I can’t imagine leaving this hospital. Ever.